Disarm
by Orin Drake
Summary: Sephiroth's thoughts as he waits just outside of everything... another possible yaoi warning, depending on your perception.


"Disarm" and the general happenings of "Disarm" are completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. All characters contained within are owned (and sometimes "pwned") by Square-Enix. The song "Disarm" is a Smashing Pumpkins ditty that I've been slightly obsessed with since I first heard it... whenever that was.

Background: The song screams Sephiroth, what can I say. I figured, since I've been in Cloud's head, why not go a step further and _really_ freak myself out? No idea when this would be in Sephiroth's "life"... some part of his eternal existence after _FFVII_ and probably after Advent Children, as well. Once again I'd say this does tie into the Sins universe. Um... somehow. Oh, um, muuuuuuch more of a yaoi "slant" to this one... in fact, I might as well just put a yaoi warning here.

Disarm  
by Orin Drake

_Disarm you with a smile_   
_And cut you like you want me to_  
_Cut that little child_  
_Inside of me and such a part of you_  
_Ooh, the years burn_

Which one of you killed me the first time? Which one did I kill? _Did_ I kill either of you..? It's hard to remember. It's been too long away from... truth.

I remember both of you. At times you jumble. At times I can't tell you apart in my mind, but... eventually I always remember. I have to. It's all that keeps me from becoming entirely _her_...

You tried to be my savior, Zack. You came so close... You made life in SOLDIER more tolerable. Even though you were quite maddening... that turned out to be your finest trait. --Well, that and... the other things. The things I'd never known about until you decided to test your luck. You were always too lucky that way.

It was you, Cloud... you who were my victim... Ultimately, you were always my... release... _She_ was vastly cruel to you, I know. I was always aware of what my form was made to do... but even through the torture, the agony _she_ inflicted upon me, don't think I didn't see it. I _always_ saw it. I was witness to your... expressions. Your emotion. The way your body moved and your breath quickened. And still, every time, you always pretended that you didn't want it.

And I... I always... wanted... more...

_I used to be a little boy_  
_So old in my shoes_  
_And what I choose is my choice_  
_What's a boy supposed to do?_  
_The killer in me is the killer in you_  
_My love_  
_I send this smile over to you_

Childhood is something barely remembered. Even when I attempt to dig for it. I come upon the distinct impression that it was buried for a reason. I know it was, even though... sometimes I just want to... try and understand. Where it all went wrong. How it happened that I became... _hers_...

I was never a child. Not really. I know that I never felt the carefree joys that a child can. I had lab assistants as "parents" and hired playmates that always screamed and sobbed within minutes of attempting to "play". That was my fault. I will admit that much.

Zack, I remember... you told me you were certain that I didn't play well with others and I could only turn and leave the room. You thought you'd said something horrible and you followed. I pushed you away--too hard, the wall didn't survive... But you did. Violence didn't stop you. The only thing I could push you away with were words, but when you refused to settle for "Go away"... I tried to explain why I was running, why I needed to be alone... I remember. You seemed to... understand, somehow. You told me I didn't have to be alone anymore.

I didn't believe you then. And I don't believe you now. But... there was a time inbetween.

You killed me, didn't you Cloud? Yes. The most... unexpected executioner. Many times, as I recall. That shouldn't be as amusing as it is. Or perhaps it should be more amusing. All I know is... I was never as certain of that final blow as you were, then. For one flash, one pinprick of a moment in time, I was able to break away from _her_... and I was proud.

I was born in a lab. But I... I am eternally grateful that I never died in one.

_Disarm you with a smile_   
_And leave you like they left me here_  
_To wither in denial_  
_The bitterness of one who's left alone_  
_Ooh, the years burn_  
_Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn_

If I had to admit it... I suppose I was always a little too close to what you were, Cloud. Yes, I looked at your records. Sometimes Zack would talk about you. I didn't see the resemblance then, but... I've had some time to think about it.

Both outsiders. Both shunned. You were hated, and I was feared... which amounted to the same thing, after a while.

I don't know how you... dealt with it. I know that I was never truly able to. Ignore, deny... but never to embrace, accept, attempt to understand. That was a pain far worse than being shunned, worse even than the advanced Mako treatments. The only pain worse is having madness forced upon you... I fear I do know too much of that pain.

_I used to be a little boy_  
_So old in my shoes_  
_And what I choose is my voice_  
_What's a boy supposed to do?_  
_The killer in me is the killer in you_  
_My love_  
_I send this smile over to you_

What would it have taken for things to have turned out differently? It's the one unanswered question that plagues me. The mantra I can never truly push away... what if.

It wasn't merely a _moment_ of madness, but a lifetime. Were it just a moment, Zack would have been able to talk me down. He had before, so many times... _That_ time, I... I wasn't myself any longer.

I think I hear him, sometimes. Between my rests and my resurrections. Between the times when _she_ is speaking nonsense into my head. I can't manage to make out the words, but I know it's his voice. He and that... flower girl. Sometimes it's... comforting. When the green and the stillness get to be too horrible... sometimes it's simply comforting.

I never hear Cloud. I can sense him, and I know when his emotions are reaching a breaking point... but I never hear him. I wonder if he'd even try to speak to me if he could. Perhaps he does and I simply cannot hear, but... I don't believe that to be the case.

_The killer in me is the killer in you_  
_Send this smile over to you_  
_The killer in me is the killer in you_  
_Send this smile over to you_  
_The killer in me is the killer in you_  
_Send this smile over to you_

No matter how many times you killed me... you could never grant me oblivion. I can't find it in myself to blame _you_ for that. There are times, however... times when it's the only thing that makes sense.

Neither of you ever did any wrong in your lifetimes. I'm sure there are those who would argue, but they don't understand. You've both more than likely experienced regret... I'm certain it was unjustified.

I have... more than regret. I... will never find forgiveness. And never solace. I am merely... here. Eternally attached to _her_... It must be my punishment, then. To never fully regain myself... never to look away from the Lifestream, but never to truly enter it.

I can never be with either of you again. But at least... I can see you once in a while.

* * *

Okay, I really need to stop this psychotic angst-fest now... But I kinda enjoy the unspoken/unwritten things... I was going to go on about "smile" and "love", but then... well, c'mon. Just, c'mon.

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


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